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Our Lesbian Cat Wedding

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So, this conversation just happened with my husband:

ME: Should we have a lesbian cat wedding and have Maddie marry Keely?

HIM: Absolutely not!

ME (a little shocked): Why not?

HIM: They’re WAY too young and there’s a huge age gap!

ME: But it’s cat years! If they’re 1 and 2, that’s only like a 7 year difference in cat years.

HIM: Exactly. Keely’s, like, 14, and Maddie’s 7. They’re too young to get married.

Sigh. I hate when he’s right.

dizzy laughing 1-9-18

This is neither Keely nor Maddie. It’s Dizzy. But he thinks we’re hilarious. And I suspect he’s secretly relieved that we’re not trying to marry him off. But now that I think about it, he and Maddie would make an awfully cute couple…

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A Smack To The Head

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I’ve been gone, y’all. Partly, I mean, gone from home for a while, and partly just that I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to sit down and read anyone else’s blogs or write on my own. It’s not you, baby, it’s me. And while I don’t foresee much free time in the near future, I did have a little bit of time today so I’m sitting down to the computer to update you. Because you care. You really do. I can tell. And if you don’t, I’m still going to pretend you do, because imagination.

There’s so much to tell you, and if I put it all into one blog post, it’ll take you years to read it, and you’ll probably die sitting there for so long, and then I’ll have blood on my hands. And no one likes blood on their hands. Except maybe serial killers – but not all serial killers because some of them wear gloves which is partly so that they don’t leave fingerprints but also probably partly because no one likes blood on their hands except for the aforementioned serial killers that do. Anyway, this post is not supposed to be about blood…mostly. I’ve struggled with how to share this because I don’t want to rip a certain person a new one or hurt her business in any way, but I also really want to tell you about my experience because it was funny when it wasn’t terrifying. So here we go.

If you follow this blog, you have no doubt read that I am in the process of opening a tattoo studio. One of the things that I’m going to offer is paramedical tattooing and cosmetic tattooing, i.e., permanent makeup. Cosmetic tattooing is a little different than conventional tattooing, because we use different equipment, the pigments are different and aren’t implanted as deeply, and it doesn’t last forever like a regular tattoo. So I had to get training for permanent makeup somewhere besides from a traditional tattoo artist. Enter Amira (at least, that’s what I’m going to call her), a large matriarch of Middle Eastern descent. Amira likes to yell. A lot. She also likes to whack you on the head. A lot.

Her other favorite activity is yelling at her adult son who works with her. We’ll call him Farid. Farid’s main job, as I understand it, is to stop doing whatever else he’s doing, and fetch things for his mother. “Farid, get me after care form!” “Farid, go get kleenex!” “Farid, we need pencil!” “Farid, scratch my butt!” And if he’s one room over and doesn’t answer because he is actually working on a customer, she calls him on the phone, “Farid, why you don’t answer?! I dropped pencil. I need you to pick it up!” At which point, Farid good-naturedly stops what he’s doing, gets whatever she needs, and, I assume, dies a little inside.

But she doesn’t save her screaming for her son. No, Amira likes to spread the love around. On my first day, I almost cried. We started out by learning to tattoo eyeliner. Yes, let’s start with the scariest procedure, and just when your student has a vibrating needle millimeters from a customer’s eyeball, let’s smack her on the back of the head and scream, “STOP!! Stop! What are you doing?! Not like that!” So I’d stop, and then she’d shout, “Why you stop?!!” I’ve never felt so incompetent in all my life. I was shaking. And you don’t want to be shaking when tattooing so close to someone’s eyeball. And everything that could go wrong went wrong, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. It scared the everlivin’ outta me, but it also taught me that shit happens and I can handle it, and I know what’s cause for true concern and what’s stuff that just comes up a lot. Like, blood. Blood comes up a lot. That’s what gloves are for, as we established above.

The second day, we learned how to microblade eyebrows. Finally, 15 years of doodling faces in the margins of my textbooks paid off. I know how to draw a fanfreakingtastic eyebrow, y’all. So the day went a little more smoothly, until Amira decided to give me a compliment and then smacked me on the back of the head so that I wouldn’t get cocky. As if anything could “go to my head” other than her palm as she bludgeoned me. And then, after she’d complimented how great the eyebrows I just did looked, she went back and filled them in even more. “Natural” was not a look she understood. I know heavy eyebrows are in right now, but Groucho Marx brows? She also didn’t seem to understand “customer service.” When I’d ask the customer to turn their head towards me, she’d yell, “No! You don’t ask! You just grab their head and turn!” When the customer would flinch, she’d say, “It hurt, but you okay!” instead of numbing them up some more.

The subsequent days went similarly. I’d get up in the dark, drive a couple hours to get to her space, make an attempt at not looking too bleary-eyed, and experiment on peoples’ faces. Those were some brave souls, you guys. Seriously. I wouldn’t let anyone practice on my face because it’s my face. But they were happy to get a huge discount so that I could learn and possibly disfigure them. I learned how to do eyeliner, eyebrows, and lips, and in my opinion, they all still looked totally human when I was done. Next week I get to go back to learn how to do areolas – but not on anyone’s face…unless they request it …or unless Amira decides that that’s where you should have them. You don’t say “no” to that woman.

Now, where did I put my calendar book? “Farid!! Bring me calendar book!”

Eyebrow 1

Please Don’t Be The Reason a Unicorn Dies

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Hey, you! Guess what? My book was nominated for an award! Guess what else? In order to win the award, people have to vote for me. Of course. Sigh. So, here’s where I ask you to do me a solid (I’m Gen X, forgive me for that little turn of phrase) and go vote at Rosie’s Book Review, and then ask all your friends on social media to do that same, because if you don’t, somewhere a unicorn will get an intestinal parasite and rainbow-poop itself to death.

Book cover 1

Have someone you need to get a holiday gift for? Check out a summary and buy a print copy here. Or read reviews and buy an eBook here (you can also buy a print copy here, but I make virtually nothing on sales on Amazon, so it’d be great – and cheaper for you – to buy them copies through my website).

The Gift of Words

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I have words, y’all. Great words. And I put those words in a book. A great book. I also have paintings, y’all. Great paintings. And I put those paintings in the same book, which makes it not just a great book, but a fanfreakingtastic book.

You have friends and family, y’all. Great friends and family. You know what they need for holidays? My book (if you didn’t see that coming, I’m worried about you).

What’s the book about? Life and stuff – mostly life with dementia. But you don’t need to have experience with dementia to relate to the book. Check out a summary and buy a print copy here. Or read reviews and buy an eBook here (you can also buy a print copy here, but I make virtually nothing on sales on Amazon, so it’d be great – and cheaper for you – to buy them copies through my website).

Book cover 1

Oh, Deer

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No idea what made me think to do a deer painting. It’s not normally on my radar, but for some reason, I just really wanted that to be my next painting. I’ve had almost no art time lately (the acrylic painting videos I posted recently were actually created a couple years ago and I just never got around to posting them) because I’ve been busy painting walls for the tattoo studio. I can’t really complain because I’m finally getting to do something to move forward on that adventure, but painting walls one solid color doesn’t exactly stir the imagination. So I decided to take a couple hours between running errands to do another watercolor video for you. Here you go:

You can find prints and other swag of the inkless watercolor here and here, and of the inked watercolor here and here.

More Thingsies and Stuffsies For Your Holiday Shopping

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It’s shameless promotion time again, kids. Just in time for the holidays, I’ve uploaded some new images to put onto various thingsies and stuffsies for your favorite person who needs more thingsies and stuffsies. Below is but a sampling, an appetizer, an amuse-bouche. There are literally thousands of options. You can shop through my collections on Fine Art America, Pixels, RedBubble, CafePress, and VIDA. And most of the sites are doing some kind of Cyber Monday promo, so it’s worth taking a look. They all offer a little something different, so if you see an image you like on one site, but you’re hoping to find it offered on another product, check one of the other sites because you might get lucky.

deer clock

Deer Clocks on RedBubble

Butterfly sheer wrap VIDA

Butterfly Sheer Wrap on VIDA

 

sparkle-little-one-emily-page

Sparkle Little One print on Pixels

wishes-emily-page.jpg

Wishes shower curtain on Pixels

be yourself laptop

Be Yourself laptop skin on RedBubble

sugar skull square_cufflinks

Sugar Skull cufflinks on CafePress

love your guts stainless_steel_travel_mug.jpg

Love Your Guts travel mug on CafePress

butterfly leggings

Butterfly leggings at RedBubble

the-elephant-king-emily-page

The Elephant King duvet cover on FineArtAmerica

evening poppies skirt.png

Evening Poppies skirt on VIDA

happy elephant pendant.png

Happy Elephant Singing pendant on VIDA

swirlie tree clutch.png

Swirlie Tree clutch on VIDA

fiddle notecards

Fiddle notecards on CafePress

spokes drinking glasses.jpg

Spokes drinking glasses on CafePress

regensburg-at-night-emily-page tote

Regensburg at Night totebag on FineArtAmerica

chickadees pillow

Chickadees Pillow on RedBubble

follow-your-heart-emily-page

Follow Your Heart print on Pixels

 

Post-Thanksgiving Painting Video

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Hi everyone! Hope you all had a smashing Thanksgiving yesterday, and are now lazing around with bloated bellies until it’s time to dig into your leftovers. To give you an excuse to avoid getting into another political fight with your crazy Uncle Albie, here is another instructional video for one of Artistic Abandon’s paintings, Blue Window.

If you’re interested in licensing our paintings (all of which are copyrighted) for your own paint and sip business or classroom, please contact us at artisticabandon@gmail.com. If you’re a budding artist and just want to paint along at home (not to teach or to sell as your own painting or financially profit from in any way), you are welcome to use this video free of charge. Have fun!

Follow Your HeArt

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It’s official! We own commercial real estate. And we’re going to fill it with needles and ink. That’s right, I’m going to become a tattoo artist! Quick, hide the kids! I’ll go into more detail soon, but I just wanted to say that, as I realized I was having less and less fun teaching at the paint and sip studio (except for the consulting, which I still love), I had to take a long hard look at what I wanted to do next. And one thing was very clear: despite my frustrations at the business side of the art world, I want to make art. It takes away the itchiness in my soul. Making and promoting art is hard, but, fortunately or unfortunately, it’s essential –  at least for me. So following my heart means following my art. For all you other artists out there (whatever form your art takes, be it visual art, performance, literature, or anything else), don’t let the struggles of earning a living get to you. I know, those are easy words to say. This business is hard. But keep returning to the work and you’ll be okay.

Follow Your HeART.JPG

Prints and merchandise available here and here.

Instructional Video – Misty Woods

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I’ve created videos for how to teach a few of Artistic Abandon’s paintings! I’ll be releasing more over the coming weeks. While these videos are meant for instructors, and give tips for how to avoid the pitfalls of teaching them, individual budding artists are welcome to paint along at home. If you’re interested in licensing our paintings (all of which are copyrighted) for your own paint and sip business or classroom, please contact us at artisticabandon@gmail.com. If you’re a budding artist and just want to paint along at home (not to teach or to sell as your own painting or financially profit from in any way), you are welcome to use this video free of charge. Have fun!

 

Entwined Trees

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Just finished up another little watercolor video for you. This time around, I went for a more limited palette and “stayed within the lines.” Not sure how I feel about staying in the lines. One of the things I’ve been having fun with is intentionally being loose and a little sloppy. When I do my realist paintings, I have to stay so tight and controlled, so needing to work fairly quickly for these videos is forcing me to ease up a little bit. It’s forcing me to be a loose woman…wait, maybe that’s not what I really mean…meh. Sure it is.

Anyway, here’s a video of an Entwined Trees painting, by a loose, loose woman.