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Do you ever wish you could put people on vibrate like you can put your phone on vibrate*? Like, say, when it’s morning and your husband wakes up all chipper and cheerful and chatty and you have a raging headache and you know you have to go teach a room full of screaming children hopped up on birthday cake that I must presume is laced with cocaine? No? Just me then?

*I just tagged this post with the word “vibrator” to mess with people searching for sex toys online. That put me in a much better mood.