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I’ve been reflecting on my weekend in NYC, and wanted to share a few thoughts. I have to admit that I was slightly dreading it because I was headed there on my own without the safety net of the hubs by my side. Small town girl in the big city talking to strangers at a wedding. It’s a little like my fear at gallery openings when I’m expected to talk to people but I’m more inclined to find a nice rug to hide under while I hyperventilate. My fears, though, were unfounded. I should have trusted that, since I like the bride and her family, I would like the guests. Thank god, I did. Here are some more random thoughts from the trip:

1) Walking in NYC on Broadway isn’t nearly as satisfying as walking in Raleigh, because there are no pine cones to stomp as you walk. It does help you get there faster, though, since you’re not stopping every few feet to jump on a pine cone. Also, if you walk quickly, tourists will think you’re from there and ask directions. Feel free to make those directions up.

2) If you go into a liquor store to buy champagne and sparkling cider, expect the person working there to shoot you withering looks at the mention of the cider.

3) I am exceptionally lucky to have grown up in Charlottesville, VA. I know this because the wedding was at the Morris-Jumel Mansion, which George Washington took possession of for about a month during the Revolutionary War. At one point, Washington, Hamilton, Adams, and someone else who I can’t remember (maybe Burr?) all had dinner there. This is, apparently a big deal, but in Charlottesville, we refer to a night like that as “Tuesday.” We have Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe’s homes all within an hour’s drive. I used to spend the night at Ash Lawn, Monroe’s house because my friend’s mom was the curator and lived upstairs. It’s Monroe’s fault that I became a vegetarian because we kept horses in the pastures with the cows there and I couldn’t eat them after I’d named them all. Also, Bodo’s bagels, in Charlottesville, remain the best bagels in all the land. Just sayin’.

4) I was told by multiple people that the trees around NYC smell like semen. I did not sniff any trees, so I can’t verify that for you, but you’ve been warned.

5) If you want to be the maid of honor at a wedding, your best bet is to be the shortest one so that you will walk down the aisle with the best man, who is also the shortest one. A proclivity toward bossiness helps, too.

6) If you take on the role of bossing everyone around of being at the bride’s disposal for all things wedding related, you should probably plan to give a toast. You should not wait until 5 minutes before toasts are about to begin to realize this. Also, you might want to drug the best man so that his toast doesn’t make sense and isn’t so damn funny and his Christopher Walkin impression will suck and he won’t hand the mic to you even after you’ve said you weren’t planning on giving a toast (<shakes fists> Damn you, Ginsberg!).

7) A little self deprecation at the beginning of an unplanned speech goes a long way toward making people be forgiving that your toast sucks. And keep it short, like you, since that’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

8) You will not be able to escape the sound of a wheezing cat by going to NY. There’s this fluffy black stray cat in my apartment complex that doesn’t breathe, it wheezes. It’s been here for 4 years and I can’t figure out how it’s still alive. Well, I woke up Sunday morning, and I swear to god, I heard that damn cat outside my 4th floor window. I don’t know how it got there, and I was too scared to open the curtains and see it’s glowing yellow eyes staring at me to verify its existence, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

9) The Finnish flag makes for an excellent wedding dress. Seriously.

10) You can live without a pancreas. There’s no joke here. I just was seated next to a guy at the wedding who doesn’t have one any more. He was awesome. I think he might use the extra space in his abdomen now to store booze, like a built in flask. I’m jealous.

11) While all Iowa may have is corn, it has ALL the corn.

12) I am capable of wandering a large city alone and being perfectly content. I am capable of making friends with strangers at a wedding. I do, sincerely, love the friends with whom I was reunited there and I was, truly, honored to be a part of it all.

Things I did not learn at the wedding:

How many penises does a man need to have to be referred to as “the guy with all the dicks?” Groomsmen, I’m talking to you. I want answers.

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