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Dear May,

So far, you have been kicking my ass. Everything that should be simple has become complicated. People have flat out turned into bullies. Money is flowing everywhere but into my pocket. Anything that can break, is breaking. We’re only 5 days in and I’m already losing hope. Please, I’m begging you, back the fuck off. I’m putting in a formal request for a do-over for the last 5 days. If you are disinclined to acquiesce to my request (yes, I watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean last night), please at least consider lightening up for the rest of the month so that I don’t pull all of the hair out of my head. Please. No, really, please? Pretty please?! With rainbow sprinkles and unicorns and bourbon on top?