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An open letter to Red, the father of one of my bff’s​ and the handiest man I know with a fully functioning brain:

Dear Red,
Why don’t you live where I live? I cannot possibly continue to renovate my home without you. The uneven crown moulding hates me. The uneven ceilings hate me. The uneven walls hate me. The uneven miter saw hates me. The spell check on my computer that won’t acknowledge that “moulding” is the proper spelling hates me. They are all conspiring to kill me. Please move to Raleigh, NC post haste.
Please and thank you yours very truly,

Update: At the very least, please come and get me very drunk on Irish whiskey.