Dear readers, as you know, the dementia care facility where my dad lives wants to move him over to their nursing center, which we hate because it’s terribly depressing and we think it would really disorient and confuse my dad at this stage. We contacted hospice to see if they could give us any recommendations for places that were high quality and would allow him to age and die in place, but they aren’t allowed to give that kind of info. We talked with the staff where he is now to stress how much we don’t want him to move, and, if they insist, we’ll take him and our money elsewhere. We checked out a couple other facilities and will check out more if necessary.

In the meantime, a friend suggested to my mom that if Dad were in hospice, he wouldn’t have to move. So we talked to his doctor who agreed he could be put into hospice at this point, so the facility has contacted hospice* to arrange for an evaluation, which will happen tomorrow. My mom called me to tell me this yesterday, and for the most part, I’m fine with it. I’ll do whatever possible to keep him where he is now so that he doesn’t have to go through a move and all the confusion that would result.

But when I stop to really think about it, I’m not sure which to wish for. Do I want hospice to take him on, confirming that he is, in fact, likely to die within the next 6 months or so? Or do I want them to reject him because he’s not that far along yet? I desperately want him to be able to stay in what is now his home, and part of me is ready for the end of this journey through dementia. But another part of me is just as desperately holding on and hoping he doesn’t die any time soon, terrified of the day when I won’t be able to give him a hug or see him smile. I lose my breath just thinking about it.

So for now, I guess all I can do is wait and see what hospice decides, and deal with it as it comes.

*Just a little side note that this is the same hospice my parents volunteered with many moons ago. I love the thought that it’s coming full circle – that they’ve put something in before they took something out.