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I have crap knees. It started when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Chondromalacia patella. It basically means that I have to wear knee braces a lot of the time and my knees get all crankypants on a regular basis. Knee braces are super sexy. Nothing makes me feel more attractive – except, maybe, a giant zit in the tip of my nose. I’m in a migraine/fibromyalgia/endometriosis flare up, and my knees are along for the ride. I have decided that, since my knee caps seem to cause so much trouble, I should kneecapitate them. I will not be providing a trial with a jury of their peers. Knee caps have no arms or mouths, so I’m certain they couldn’t provide a guilty or innocent verdict. Plus, let’s be honest, my body is not a democracy, no matter how much it protests and declares that it is. This is an authoritarian regime, bitchez.

Which reminds me: did anyone see Ben Carson’s business manager describe him as “more authoritarian” than ever before? I’m guessing he meant authoritative, but it gave me the giggles. I love when political figures accidentally speak the truth. I imagine that, were he president, he’d pull a Tonya Harding and kneecapitate your ass if you contradicted him.

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