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all the dumbass ways I've hurt myself this week, bourbon, bubble wrap, darwin awards, I'm a hot mess, I'm dangerous, injuries
I’m a wreck, y’all. I keep getting injured in the dumbest ways. I’m starting to be afraid that I’ll end up getting a Darwin award. It’s not that I’m doing anything particularly dangerous, it’s just that I have been exceptionally uncoordinated lately. I mentioned yesterday that I have a blood blister because I basically stabbed myself with a screwdriver (The tool, not the drink. I really shouldn’t have to clarify this. What’s wrong with you people?) while framing a painting. I also managed to pull a muscle in my hip getting into bed. Not a really high bed or a really low bed, just an average bed. ‘Cause I got skillz, yo. Then I banged my shin THREE times on the edge of the platform I teach on during painting classes. As if that weren’t enough, I was cleaning the tub and was crouched down with my back to the faucet, and then I tried to stand up while not realizing that I was actually directly under the faucet, and now I pretty much have a tramp stamp scraped into my lower back from the fucking thing.
Will someone please wrap me in pillows and fleece blankets so I stop getting injured? And while you’re at it, please pour bourbon down my throat to kill the pain. Just don’t pour the bourbon down my throat and let me anywhere near stairs unless you also wrap the pillows and blankets with bubble wrap first. I could be the world’s first pillow-blanket-bubble-wrap taco!
Mmmmm, now I want tacos.
All my injuries are internal. Like I slept funny last night I guess and now my neck is KILLING me. No bubble wrap help there.
But bourbon. And fish tacos.
Good plan!
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Someone needs to invent bourbon tacos for people like us!
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I lost a battle with a can of pears last week and wound up with 5 stitches across the top of my finger. I honestly don’t even know how I managed 5 stitches in such a small area, but I’ve clearly got mad skills there. Bright side: now I’ll have a W shaped scar that I can pretend is some kind of nod to Wonder Woman.
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Excellent bright side! I’m going to give you an important tip for the future. Don’t try to open a can of pears. Open a bottle of bourbon. You’re way less likely to get hurt, and if you do, you’ll be able to numb the pain and clean the wound at the same time.
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