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First, I urgently need you to know that on Sunday, I saw a bumble bee poop and then wipe its butt with its back legs. I felt horrible that I didn’t have any teeny tiny toity paper to offer it. That has to be so humiliating to have to wipe up with your own legs, or really, anyone else’s legs, either. That’s just awkward.

Second, I urgently need you to know that there are only 5 days left in my book campaign. So if you’ve been thinking, “Oh, I want to order but I have plenty of time and there’s a new cat video I need to watch on youtube,” now is the time to pause the video and watch a cute platypus video instead. And then go here to read my book proposal and pre-order yourself a copy for as little as $7. And then post a link to your own social media pages for anyone else who might be interested. And then have a tall glass of bourbon and resume cat video watching and try to forget what I told you about that bumble bee smearing poop all over its legs.