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I really wish there were rental services for certain things:

  1. Goats – apparently there is such a thing as goat rental, but I couldn’t find it in my area. My entire backyard is a lush garden of poison ivy. I think I must be spraying Miracle Grow on it in my sleep because this shit is epic. So I would like some goats to eat it up, please.
  2. Pirates – sometimes I feel crummy and I’m not up for defending myself from cranky people, rabid birds, or ninjas. It’d be so handy if you could just rent a pirate to assist you while you run errands. And then you could bring him back to your studio so he could appreciate your arrrrrrrrrt!
  3. Babies – sometimes you just need a baby snuggle. Other times you need a screaming baby to remind you why you don’t need a baby of your own.
  4. Kittens and puppies – for obvious reasons. My life would be so much better if I could take periodic breaks to play with puppies and kittens but have someone else clean up their poop. This is also true  for babies. And for platypuses – but only during their nonvenomous seasons.
  5. Ghosts – they’d be fun to record and capture on tape, but not have to actually live with them and their annoying habits waking you up in the middle of the night by walking around or moving all your stuff.