Tags
birth control options, boils, cervix, Chris Pratt, cloaca, endometriosis, erythema nordosum, gynecologist, magic, mosh pit, superhero
My cervix is an asshole. I mean, not technically. It’s not, like, a cloaca or anything, even though it’s acting kind of shitty. It’s still a cervix. But it’s kind of being a dick. Again, not technically. It’s still a lady-part. What I mean is that, for the last 6 or 7 years, it’s taken its job as Guardian of the Galaxy waaaaaay too seriously – like, thin Chris Pratt seriously, even though we all know fat Chris Pratt is so much funnier (yes, my friends finally talked me into watching Parks and Rec and I’m part way through the second season so it’s virtually all I think about).
Gentlemen, you should probably look away now.
Ladies, does your cervix cooperate? Because mine is all, “You ain’t payin’ rent, so you ain’t comin’ in,” to my doctor when she tries to get a sample during a pap smear. She pokes and prods whispers sweet nothings into my vagina, but my cervix is closed for business. If it had a shoulder, it would give her a cold one. Then, when the doctor finally gives up, my body throws a dance party, but it clearly gets out of control and turns into a mosh pit which is all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out…if my cervix had eyes…or even just one eye…which it doesn’t…I’m pretty sure. Anyway, I’m sure the mosh pit is fun for my reproductive organs, but I interpret all that hurling itself around as painful cramping which is less fun. Also, I feel a little left out that I wasn’t invited to the party. I can rock a lampshade on my head with the best of them. But I guess you don’t really wear a lampshade in a mosh pit (etiquette and all), so maybe that’s why I wasn’t invited.
So, then I asked my doctor if my cervix had, like, super powers, and I no longer need birth control to avoid getting pregnant because it would stop sperm in their tracks, but she just looked at me condescendingly and patiently explained that sperm are microscopic, and my cervix isn’t magical. Then she also reminded me that when I go off of the pill, my endometriosis goes craycray and I get erythema nordosum, so I should really stay on it. But then I saidΒ that maybe my cervix was so magical that it caused the erythema nordosum just to give itself a break, which is genius and pretty much the best birth control ever because no man wants to be with a woman covered in boils. My cervix is smart, y’all. I suggested we make it a cape in case it also has the ability to fly. Then she noted something in my chart and left the room. I don’t know why.
So I dressed quickly and hightailed it out of there before she either ordered a psych consult or alerted the enemy about my superhero cervix.
P.S. Cross your fingers that the doctor got enough of a sample that I don’t have to go back again for another try and pay for it again.
P.P.S. I was going to draw you a little picture of my cervix wearing a cape, but then I Googled cervix images to work from, and now I need to go throw up. Or drink some bourbon.
I’m dead ππ. This was hilarious, but I’m so sorry your cervix is literally a cunt! I’m 99% sure I have PCOS, so I feel ya on the woman problems π«.
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Our ladybits are not acting very lady like. They need etiquette classes or something.
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BUAHAHAHAHAHA!! I’ve never read a truer statement ππππ
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This is crazy funny!!! Not fun for you, though.
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Crazy for me, though?
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Nice analogies! This was a fun read, thank you for sharing.
Do you have a favorite bourbon to wash the pain down? I’m always looking for good ones.
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Lately I’ve been partial to Woodford Reserve, but if you’re looking for more of a boutique bourbon (is there such a thing?), try Few bourbon whiskey. Tasty.
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We just had a Woodford Reserve from brandy barrels that was very delightful. Thank you, I had not heard of Few before. We have been partial to Wellers lately, same people who make Papi, just cheaper and easier to get your hands on.
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Ooo, I’ll have to look for Wellers next!
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Yeah, cervix is not pretty. That’s why it’s hidden. If we were meant to look at it all the time, it would be out in front, on our boobs (which get stared at no matter what we do to them).
If you would like to feel better about your tricky, bitchy cervix, I can tell you about the fact that mine is so high up it’s a pain to reach even during exam, which means that in addition to all the usual “fun” I sometimes have to help them out by pushing down on my uterus. Or we can get a nurse in to do it if that’s not working.
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That sounds…delightful. Eesh. Kick your cervix in the ass and tell it to behave!
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I would if I could bend that way…
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Fellow pcos and endometriosis sufferer here.. . I hear you!!!
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Jolly good fun, isn’t it? Eesh.
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Oh yeah… a right party π
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I’ll spare you the details, but mine was such a figurative cloaca that I tried having it evicted at the same time I bid my uterus adieu (in the divorce decree, I cited atrociously abhorrent adenomyosis, so the whole thing was pretty cut & dry). However, during a followup exam, my surgeon said something to the effect of, “Oh would you look at that! I missed a piece… ” Although I suppose that makes it more of a Caca Burr (what we called those burdock/Velcro things when I was a kid) than a cloaca…
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“I missed a piece” is #9 on the list of things you don’t want your doctor to say!!
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Yeppers. I always make the best lists… *grin*
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I watch Parks and Rec basically on a loop, and agree that fat Chris Pratt is the best. (Although, I can’t deny that I like looking at thing Chris Pratt. A LOT.) And, I think your cervix is magical, maybe, but unfortunately, it sounds like it may be in a villainous, Voldemort-y type of way. (Is Voldemort taking it too far? Probably. I apologize.)
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Well, erythema nordosum sure as shit sounds like a spell that Voldemort would cast, so you may not be far off.
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