Tags
applying for a job, cover letter, how to write a cover letter, networking, real life sucks, what not to write in a cover letter, work, work cover letter
So, um yeah. As I talked about in my last post, we’re unexpectedly closing our paint and sip studio in August, and hopefully opening a tattoo studio, which means we’re about to be very, very broke for awhile. As such, I thought I should polish up my resume and cover letter in the event that I have to break down and get a…what’s that word again? Oh yes, “job.” Working for someone else. <insert sobbing, moaning, wailing, and gnashing of my pearly whites which really need to be whitened before a job interview> I don’t wanna. We all know that there’s a standard form cover letters should take, and I’ve written and read hundreds of them. My favorite applicant when I worked at a law firm was a girl who wrote, “My friends all tell me that I have great “ADT” (Attention To Detail).” Apparently, she had a great security system, too?
If I submitted the following cover letter, would you hire me?
Dear Person Who Holds My Fate In Their Hands,
You should hire me. I’m all, like, smart and stuff. As the man in the oval office says, “I know words. I have the best words. I have the best. But there is no better word than stupid.” While I do have the best words like our Cheeto in Chief, I disagree that the best word is “stupid.” The best word, obviously, is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” Break that bad boy out at a party and everyone will be asking what you want for breakfast – you know, after you’ve spent the night…because they’ll all be extremely attracted to you…like you should be attracted to me right now – only not in the I-want-to-sex-you-up kind of way, but in the I-want-to-offer-you-a-ridiculously-high-paying-job-for-little-to-no-work kind of way. I have a husband. Just to be clear. And even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t sleep with my boss. So knock that thought right out of your head, bub. Or lady. Either one.
You should hire me not just because I know the best words, but because I view tedious tasks to be like meditation. My mantra? Collate, collate, coooooollaaaaate. Okay, so I don’t actually know what collating is, and my understanding is that most printers will just do it for you if you click the right button, but you get the idea. I figure I can get the printer to do the work and spend the afternoon putzing aroundΒ marketing on Facebook on my phone. You can tell I’m not a millenial because I said “Facebook” and not “Snapchat,” but I’m still very social media savvy. I swear. I even have a Twitter account for my vagina. It twats regularly.
Also, I’m a blast at holiday office parties. I bring bourbon. Which is my other mantra. Bourbon, bourbon, boooouuuurboooonnn. Not that I would drink bourbon on the job – unless I got tired of collating, I guess. No, I stick to only vodka while at work so that, if I spill it, it doesn’t stain any paperwork I’m doodling on. I’m an artist. Artists are totally known for being dependable and grounded and responsible. Every document I prepare for you will be nicely decorated, giving it that certain je ne sais quoi. As you can seen, I’m practically fluent in French. I know all the best French words, like stupide.
I have a horrific phobia of talking on the phone, so if you’re like my last boss and would prefer to spend all day “networking” with all the “single” ladies in town instead of taking calls, I’m your girl. I will actively avoid talking on the phone at all times and let every call go straight through to voicemail. You can blame it on me and I can blame it on you. You’ll never have to speak to another client again, and neither will I! That’s what we call a “win-win” in the biz.
Anyway, you should totes hire me to, like, do all the work-type things. Shoot me a text with your offer!
Okaysies,
Emily
I aint Hirin You cuz ur a artist aN u DRINK Burpin
Red Hogan
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So I should be drinking something else? π
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“I have a Twitter account for my vagina. It twats regularly.” PURE EFFING GOLD. I’m dying.
I can’t πππππππππ
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I would love to be able to hand in a cover letter like that haha. I would hire you π. I actually do have a phobia of talking on the phone π
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Talking on the phone has always been my most hated part of any job. I don’t know why it’s so scary – maybe something to do with not being able to read people’s facial expressions?
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Oh man!! If only I had received cover letters like this! I’m not sure I would hire you, but I would definitely pass on the laugh to my higher ups just in case they wanted someone that sassy. This is pure greatness.
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Thanks! Maybe you should give it them anyway to brighten their day on Monday, lol!
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You got the job!!!
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Sweet!! Phew, now I can relax.
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βΊ
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This is hilarious. I’d totally hire you for making whatever job it is more fun. I’m really sorry that I have no power over hiring and firing though. π¦
“You can tell Iβm not a millenial because I said βFacebookβ and not βSnapchat,β but Iβm still very social media savvy. I swear. I even have a Twitter account for my vagina. It twats regularly.” This whole section is perfect. π
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I’m assuming that by “perfect” you mean “insane,” but I’ll own it either way. π
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Too funny! Have you thought about going into stand up comedy? I think you’d be great!
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I’m pretty sure my stand up routine would involve me gasping for air as I panic, and then vomiting profusely all over the front row. Sooo, maybe not…
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LOL! Well. Maybe not. π
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I… would hire you to write a blog! The pay isn’t great, but the satisfaction is… well, it varies.
But hey, serious question: will there still be wine at the tattoo studio? Please say there will still be wine!
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Lol, this is a BYOB state, so yes, you can bring wine. When are you coming over for a tattoo?
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When you have a design that can be licked on by kittens. (Or when I’m just that drunk… we’ll see)
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While I prefer kitten spit to dog slobber, might I recommend it being licked on by puppies instead of kittens? Puppy tongues aren’t nearly as sandpapery as kitten tongues. I had a kitten that licked my hand raw once…
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I don’t know about all the professional stuff, but you’ve clearly got the people skills and the drive to do lots of important hard work stuff, so sure, I’d totally hire you. But I should probably let you know that the position would be assistant househusband.
And we can’t tell my wife.
For some reason she thinks I should really be doing our own dirty dishes and laundry. She says responsibility… I’m TRYING to say delegation π
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If by “assistant househusband,” you mean “person who hires someone else to do both the househusband’s and assistant househusband’s chores,” then, yes, I’ll take the job. Your wife will be so impressed by all the work the person the-person-you-hired does, she’ll be fine with it, I’m sure. You can pay me in bourbon.
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Done and Done! Hopefully you can start tonight. We’re getting low on Jack here…
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Ha, love this! I work in HR and we definitely need more cover letters like this! We wouldn’t necessarily hire you but you’d give us a chuckle!
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I’m kind of tempted to anonymously mail it to several staffing agencies, lol.
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HAHAHAHAH!!
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I totally want to start a business now, just so I can hire you! Do you think I’ll need money to do it? Cause if so, it might be a while, but your cover letter will be on the top of my single page stack of dream employees!
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Just make sure you keep the bar stocked with booze, cheese, and brownines, and we’re good to go.
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You got a deal! Excellent point you made about vodka not staining the paperwork, by the way. π
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Don’t waste your talent on a 9-5 position. Starving artist is way more sheshe poopoo anyway. Now a career as a stand up comic is definitely an option. I might not hire you but I sure as hell would party with you π
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The problem is that one does need to eat. Starving isn’t fun!
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I heart you.
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Excellent. I love being hearted. I heart you for hearting me.
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In all honesty, no I would not hire you, but ONLY because I’m not a boss, just a BOSS! And so I don’t have a job for you, or any money to pay you with, or any benefits to offer. But damn, I wish I did!
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You should really work on becoming a boss, not just a BOSS, with the express purpose of hiring me.
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I love so many things about this cover letter. Most importantly, though, I would totes hire you. I mean, I don’t have a business or anything, but if I did, you’d be my first pick– avoiding phone conversations, clear spills on paperwork, what more could a boss need?! Also, #CheetoinChief needs to start trending ASAP.
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I would totally let you hire me. You seem like the kind of boss I’d want.
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Hehe, well, if I was the boss, we would drink coffee and gossip until around 10, tiddle about on social media until 11, have a liquid lunch at noon, and then write until we leave early for the day at 1. It’s a very productive work environment.
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I’m good with all of that, but can we not even get to work until 11?
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Even better. See, this is why I hired you.
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