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Category Archives: health

It’s Not Me, It’s My Head

18 Tuesday Jul 2017

Posted by in cats, health, humor, Uncategorized

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I know I’ve been promising to get better about posting more regularly again. And I meant it when I promised it. But my head didn’t agree. I said, “I swear I’m going to post more,” but my head was all like, “Oh, but I have other ideas. I’m going to give you a week of migraines, cluster headaches, and tension headaches. And maybe some caffeine withdrawal headaches. And probably brain tumors or something. And then I’m going to give you postdrome, just for funsies.” Apparently, my head didn’t make that up, and “postdrome” is actually a thing. Basically, my head was like, “Hey, you know what would be fun? After a bunch of pain, let’s be stupid!!” And I totally went along with it. Because stupid is awesome?*

Also, I’m heading into that time of year when I go into a depression, and my creative juices dry up. I get creatively dehydrated. Not even bourbon can quench my creative thirst. It’s coming on a little early this year, due in part, I’m guessing, to all the headbitching. So I run out of interesting things to say and paint and instead spend all of my time binge watching Jersey Shore and complaining that not all three cats are snuggling with me at every single moment of every single day. I either need more cats or a smaller house so that there are less places for the cats I already have to sleep that don’t involve directly touching me.

all ma kitties

All mah kittehs on me at the same time. I has the heaven.

On top of that, as I have mentioned in the last two posts, I’m going through a major work transition that’s causing a fair amount of chaos from which I would prefer to hide. I was going to post about that right now, but I’m going to drag this shit out into another post so that I can do the work now, and not have to come up with anything to post about over the next couple days, thus maximizing my binge watching/snuggles time tomorrow and the next day. Fuck you postdrome, I bees smart.

*I was going to insert a clip of Snooki, from Jersey Shore, asking if cherubs were real, but apparently, that little nugget of reality TV gold didn’t register on anyone else’s radar enough to isolate a clip and post it on YouTube. So here’s a transcript I created:

Italian, tour guide, pointing out a fresco: “Cupid, the son of Venus, who will throw the arrow of love…”

Snooki: “So they’re real?”

Tour guide: “What – what do you mean are they real?”

Snooki: “The babies with wings?”

Tour guide: “They are character of mythology.”

Snooki: “Cool.”

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Really, LivingSocial?

02 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in culture, health, humor, Uncategorized

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LivingSocial sent an email under the title “Popular Activities” yesterday, so I opened it up to get some ideas of fun stuff to do. Along with mini golf and dirt racing, it offered this:

Notary

Really, LivingSocial? You think Notary Service is a popular activity? A necessary activity, perhaps, but popular seems to imply it’s something you want to go do. I mean, no one turns to their significant other says, “You know what we should do tonight? Let’s let loose and really have some fun. Let’s invite a notary over! Ooooooh!”

I was a notary when I worked in Florida. I can tell you, not much fun was being had notarizing legal document signings – at least not for me. But maybe my clients really enjoyed signing that last will and testament, who knows?

Also, if I recall correctly, I charged about $15 for my services. Granted, I didn’t go to customers’ houses to do it, but it wasn’t that big a deal for them to come to my office, was  it? Is it really reasonable that their normal fee is $90 and they’re providing this amazing offer at $45?

But if LivingSocial says this is the thing to do, who am I to argue? So if you’re looking for an awesome activity to do with the kids this summer, take advantage of this great deal and have a notary come over to play! And if you can get a bargain on a colonscopy, I heard those were “popular,” too.

My Cervix Is Not a Cloaca

17 Wednesday May 2017

Posted by in endometriosis, health, humor, mental health, Uncategorized

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My cervix is an asshole. I mean, not technically. It’s not, like, a cloaca or anything, even though it’s acting kind of shitty. It’s still a cervix. But it’s kind of being a dick. Again, not technically. It’s still a lady-part. What I mean is that, for the last 6 or 7 years, it’s taken its job as Guardian of the Galaxy waaaaaay too seriously – like, thin Chris Pratt seriously, even though we all know fat Chris Pratt is so much funnier (yes, my friends finally talked me into watching Parks and Rec and I’m part way through the second season so it’s virtually all I think about).

chris pratt

Gentlemen, you should probably look away now.

Ladies, does your cervix cooperate? Because mine is all, “You ain’t payin’ rent, so you ain’t comin’ in,” to my doctor when she tries to get a sample during a pap smear. She pokes and prods whispers sweet nothings into my vagina, but my cervix is closed for business. If it had a shoulder, it would give her a cold one. Then, when the doctor finally gives up, my body throws a dance party, but it clearly gets out of control and turns into a mosh pit which is all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out…if my cervix had eyes…or even just one eye…which it doesn’t…I’m pretty sure. Anyway, I’m sure the mosh pit is fun for my reproductive organs, but I interpret all that hurling itself around as painful cramping which is less fun. Also, I feel a little left out that I wasn’t invited to the party. I can rock a lampshade on my head with the best of them. But I guess you don’t really wear a lampshade in a mosh pit (etiquette and all), so maybe that’s why I wasn’t invited.

So, then I asked my doctor if my cervix had, like, super powers, and I no longer need birth control to avoid getting pregnant because it would stop sperm in their tracks, but she just looked at me condescendingly and patiently explained that sperm are microscopic, and my cervix isn’t magical. Then she also reminded me that when I go off of the pill, my endometriosis goes craycray and I get erythema nordosum, so I should really stay on it. But then I said that maybe my cervix was so magical that it caused the erythema nordosum just to give itself a break, which is genius and pretty much the best birth control ever because no man wants to be with a woman covered in boils. My cervix is smart, y’all. I suggested we make it a cape in case it also has the ability to fly. Then she noted something in my chart and left the room. I don’t know why.

So I dressed quickly and hightailed it out of there before she either ordered a psych consult or alerted the enemy about my superhero cervix.

P.S. Cross your fingers that the doctor got enough of a sample that I don’t have to go back again for another try and pay for it again.

P.P.S. I was going to draw you a little picture of my cervix wearing a cape, but then I Googled cervix images to work from, and now I need to go throw up. Or drink some bourbon.

Dementia Care Book Recommendation

31 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in dementia, health, Uncategorized

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I swapped books with an author of a dementia care book recently, and I’m relieved to be able to say that it’s great! It’s always a risky endeavor because you never know if you’ll like the other author’s book. Luckily, Rachael Wonderlin’s book, When Someone You Know Is Living in a Dementia Community, is well-written and she definitely “gets it.” It’s full of tips about how to have good visits with someone in a dementia care facility, how to deal with staff, how to keep someone with dementia happy and reduce their anxiety, and how to make interactions with them rewarding for you, too. Rachael has worked at several dementia care units and clearly loves working with this population. She’s a good problem solver and has a lot of patience and empathy. I highly recommend picking up a copy if you know someone with dementia or know a caregiver of someone with dementia. She also has a blog called Dementia by Day. You can buy a copy of her book on Amazon here.

Rachael Wonderlin book

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Thanks so much for reading my ridiculous thoughts! If you’d like to see my ridiculous thoughts translated into art, visit my website, or follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Know a caregiver, or someone with dementia, or someone who knows someone with dementia, or someone who knows someone who knows someone else who’s a caregiver? Or heck, do you know a person? Well, you should tell them about my book, Fractured Memories: Because Demented People Need Love, Too. Part memoir and part coffee table art book, I recount my family’s heartbreaking and hilarious journey through my father’s dementia. Available to purchase here (this is my favorite way if you live in the U.S.), here or here if you’d rather get the eBook than a print copy, and here (especially if you want a hard cover copy).

Ultimate Woman

10 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in health, humor, Uncategorized

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Sometimes I wonder about my own mental health. Why do I do these things?

ultimate woman

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Thanks so much for reading my ridiculous thoughts! If you’d like to see my ridiculous thoughts translated into art, visit my website, or follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Know a caregiver, or someone with dementia, or someone who knows someone with dementia, or someone who knows someone who knows someone else who’s a caregiver? Or heck, do you know a person? Well, you should tell them about my book, Fractured Memories: Because Demented People Need Love, Too. Part memoir and part coffee table art book, I recount my family’s heartbreaking and hilarious journey through my father’s dementia. Available to purchase here (this is my favorite way if you live in the U.S.), here or here if you’d rather get the eBook than a print copy, and here (especially if you want a hard cover copy).

book-cover-1

Starbucks Cup Music-ing

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by in health, humor, music, Uncategorized

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So my body has been full on shitacular lately. Not sure if this is a fibromyalgia flare, because it feels more like it’s in my joints than my muscles, but I could barely lift my arms the last couple days and actually had to wear my left arm in a sling because my shoulder hurt so much. So no great painting getting done. Sigh. I hate that. I’m feeling moderately closer to an approximation of what I imagine a normal human should feel like.

I did discover something a couple night ago, thanks to S, that gave me the giggles and terrified the cats. No idea why. I think S may be regretting that he taught me this by now:

Now I’m just waiting for the viral video where a “band” perfects the art of Starbucks Cup Music-ing and does a whole song this way. Get on it, people. I’m waiting.

Things I Learned/Did In Houston

22 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in art, culture, health, humor, mental health, sip and paint studio, Uncategorized

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On Monday, I flew to Houston to train the staff at a new paint and sip studio, Artistic Experiences. These are the things I learned and did while I was there:

  • When I got off of the plane and entered the terminal, the air was filled with the smells of Chinese food. The woman behind me breathed deeply and exclaimed, “Finally! It smells like Houston!” So, apparently, Houston is known for its Chinese food? I did not eat any while I was there. I did, however, eat my weight in TexMex cuisine.
  • There was white powder all over the inside of my rental car. Ummmmm, okay?
  • My GPS tried to break me, and, indirectly, succeeded. I was staying at a new hotel that doesn’t exist according to my GPS and the internet. So what should have been a 40 minute drive turned into almost 2 hours of driving up Hwy 290 and back down it and back up it and back down it. And it’s all under construction so GPS couldn’t decide if I should be on the frontage roads or on the highway so kept making me weave on and off on each loop. Finally went to the wrong hotel and got directions from them, but I was jittery by the time I made it to the final hotel. In my haste to get to the studio I was already late for, I wasn’t paying attention and mutilated my forehead and eyebrow on the car door. ‘Cause I’m cooridinated like that. Gushing blood, I asked the front desk for a first aid kit (to which the guy replied, “Ew, gross!”), cleaned myself up as best I could then went off to teach for 4 hours. Yeah, you can call me a badass, I don’t mind.
  • The staff at urgent care needs to have their funny bones checked, because I’m pretty sure they’re broken. I went to urgent care the next morning and told them that I got my laceration by saving blind, deaf baby unicorns from a burning building. Baby unicorn horns are sharp! They just said, “That’s nice,” and told me it didn’t need stitches but that I probably had a concussion. My cousin said their comment was really just code for, “We don’t have time for a psych screen.”
  • I couldn’t sleep because of my headache, and TV was sucking, so I did some watercolor sketches. I’m loving experimenting with watercolors when I travel! Easy to transport and clean up, and totally outside of my comfort zone. This is what I accomplished:

Prints are available here and here.

  • If you wear superhero underpants when you fly, your planes will be at least close to on time. Get a pair. Now.

 

Powering Through *Now With Styrofoam!*

08 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in art, DIY, Eerieville, endometriosis, Haunt, health, Uncategorized

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It’s been a rough few days in my body, folks. Last week, I started going into a fibromyalgia flare, which means I’m stiff and sore and feel like I have the flu all day, every day. My joints  ache and my brain gets fuzzy and full of lint. Then the fibromyalgia exacerbated a endometriosis flare. And now I’m a hot mess. We got a shipment of styrofoam in at the haunted screampark and I was super excited to start sculpting it, so on Monday, I loaded up on Advil and Aleve and headed out, intending just to start working on a piece for a couple hours. It was going really well, though, so I kept going, and going, and going. Six and a half hours later, I finally called it quits because it was getting dark. And then I realized that I am a stupid, stupid human. When will I learn that pushing through  a couple extra hours will mean days of inability to function?

Yes, powering through is sometimes necessary. In fact, in this body, most days it’s necessary. Around these here parts, it’s called life. But I need to learn not to pretend I’m a superhero. So after a couple rough days, today I’m back in the studio, but I only painted for a couple hours in hopes that I’ll be able to paint again tomorrow. And I’m limiting my time on the computer, which is equally frustrating, but which gives my hands a break.

The worst part about all this ouchiness, though, is that I’m so loaded up on Advil and Aleve that I can’t have bourbon. I haven’t had bourbon in almost two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I know. Feel free to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself. And I can’t even cry into my bourbon.

Lest you think that I callously abandoned you while limiting my computer time, I thought I’d share a couple photos from what is quickly becoming styrofoam land. I’m working on trees that will have creepy faces, some skeletons emerging from them, etc. Still a looooong way to go just on this first one, but still, progress:

styrofoam-blocks

tree-skeleton-beginning

tree-skeleton-drawn-on

tree-skeleton-initial-carving

I Cannot Be Trusted With My Own Safety

21 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in health, humor, Uncategorized

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I’m a wreck, y’all. I keep getting injured in the dumbest ways. I’m starting to be afraid that I’ll end up getting a Darwin award. It’s not that I’m doing anything particularly dangerous, it’s just that I have been exceptionally uncoordinated lately. I mentioned yesterday that I have a blood blister because I basically stabbed myself with a screwdriver (The tool, not the drink. I really shouldn’t have to clarify this. What’s wrong with you people?) while framing a painting. I also managed to pull a muscle in my hip getting into bed. Not a really high bed or a really low bed, just an average bed. ‘Cause I got skillz, yo. Then I banged my shin THREE times on the edge of the platform I teach on during painting classes. As if that weren’t enough, I was cleaning the tub and was crouched down with my back to the faucet, and then I tried to stand up while not realizing that I was actually directly under the faucet, and now I pretty much have a tramp stamp scraped into my lower back from the fucking thing.

Will someone please wrap me in pillows and fleece blankets so I stop getting injured? And while you’re at it, please pour bourbon down my throat to kill the pain. Just don’t pour the bourbon down my throat and let me anywhere near stairs unless you also wrap the pillows and blankets with bubble wrap first. I could be the world’s first pillow-blanket-bubble-wrap taco!

Mmmmm, now I want tacos.