To the gentlemen who were at the table next to ours at Bodo’s Bagels today:

Thank you for not being offended when, while trying to steer my reindeer-antlered dad into the tiny gap between the tables and into the seat next to yours, he turned with his butt toward you and stopped cold. Thank you for not being offended when I practically climbed over you to try getting at him from a different angle to get him to sit down. Thank you for not being offended when I collapsed in a fit of hysterical giggles on the table after 3 solid minutes of my mom, my husband and myself trying everything we could think of, from tempting him with kisses, to pushing and pulling, to telling him jokes, to getting him to say the words, “sit down.” Thank you for not being offended when we gave up for a moment and just said, “Uh oh, we’re stuck,” when he would move neither forward nor backward. And, when we finally did manage to get him to back up and sit in a different seat, thank you for saying, “You handled that quite well.”

To my father:

Thank you for not realizing my worst fear at that moment by farting in those gentlemen’s faces.