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The Perks of Being an Artist

Tag Archives: cockroach

Do Snakes Drink Bourbon?

25 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by emilypageart in humor

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

cockroach, copperhead, parselmouth, parseltongue, snake

It’s Thursday, and I usually post something about my dad on Thursdays, but I just ran into my neighbor hobbling along in our apartment complex. I asked why he was hobbling, and it’s because when he stepped outside his door last night, there was a copperhead on his doormat and it bit him on the foot. A copperhead. On his doormat. And it bit him. I can’t post anything even vaguely profound today, because all I can think is snake. SNAKE. SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE! Loose outside my apartment with a thirst for human blood. And I don’t speak parseltongue, so there’s no way I’ll be able to talk it into not to injecting its venom into me. I can’t promise it a nice big rat to eat instead. I can’t ask its name and swap pleasantries about sports and the weather. I can’t offer it some bourbon. I can’t even say, “Look! Over there! Sasquatch!” and point to make it look the other direction while I run away.

And then my other neighbor joined us on the stairs and said she killed one a week ago, and has seen a few baby ones in our back yard. I’m dying. Give me Satan’s cockroach any day over a snake. Can’t handle it. Not just one snake. Snakes – plural. As in, multiple-more-than-one-so-many snakes. I’m never going back to my apartment again. I’m going to go make nice with the cockroach and see if it’ll let me sleep snuggled up with it in the cabinet of my new home immediately. Snakes. Snaaaaaakes. I’ve lost the will to live.

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Satan Must Have Eaten At Taco Bell

24 Wednesday Jun 2015

Posted by emilypageart in DIY, humor

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

cockroach, home makeover, home renovation, new home ownership, Satan's shit

Ah, the joys of exploring your new house before you start renovating! Discovered this little treasure in one of the kitchen cabinets. I can’t figure out what the hell it is, so I’m going with the theory that Satan took a shit in there.

It could also be carmelized brown sugar, but Satan's shit seems more plausible.

It could also be carmelized brown sugar, but Satan’s shit seems more plausible.

Also, I was going to start painting the kitchen last night, and started taping everything off and prepping, only to spot Satan’s pet cockroach lurking in the cabinet over the stove. Biggest. Damn. Cockroach. Ever. It cackled at me and winked and I tore out of the kitchen and decided to work on the dining room instead. I have been cast out of my own kitchen by a minion of the devil. Hoping to gather the courage to work in there soon…after I set out some roach traps. Sigh.

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Emily Page

Emily Page

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