I’m a wreck, y’all. I keep getting injured in the dumbest ways. I’m starting to be afraid that I’ll end up getting a Darwin award. It’s not that I’m doing anything particularly dangerous, it’s just that I have been exceptionally uncoordinated lately. I mentioned yesterday that I have a blood blister because I basically stabbed myself with a screwdriver (The tool, not the drink. I really shouldn’t have to clarify this. What’s wrong with you people?) while framing a painting. I also managed to pull a muscle in my hip getting into bed. Not a really high bed or a really low bed, just an average bed. ‘Cause I got skillz, yo. Then I banged my shin THREE times on the edge of the platform I teach on during painting classes. As if that weren’t enough, I was cleaning the tub and was crouched down with my back to the faucet, and then I tried to stand up while not realizing that I was actually directly under the faucet, and now I pretty much have a tramp stamp scraped into my lower back from the fucking thing.

Will someone please wrap me in pillows and fleece blankets so I stop getting injured? And while you’re at it, please pour bourbon down my throat to kill the pain. Just don’t pour the bourbon down my throat and let me anywhere near stairs unless you also wrap the pillows and blankets with bubble wrap first. I could be the world’s first pillow-blanket-bubble-wrap taco!

Mmmmm, now I want tacos.