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The Perks of Being an Artist

Tag Archives: insomnia

My Brain On Meditation

03 Saturday Mar 2018

Posted by emilypageart in humor, Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

cures for insomnia, dumbledore vs magnito, guided meditation, insomnia, meditation for relaxation, meditation for sleep, why can't i meditate, why i suck at meditating

I’ve struggled with insomnia off and on since middle school. My dad and I used to get up in the middle of the night to watch televangelists and laugh at their hair and spray tans. I read the dictionary at night in high school. Twice. I read Don Quixote in Spanish, which I don’t speak a word of other than “Yo tango una gato que se llama es Ella,” which I’m not really sure I spelling or conjugating correctly since I only know it because someone taught it to me while I was very drunk one night in college after I had complained that I felt like I hadn’t learned anything all day. All in an attempt to get to sleep. The reading, that is. I have taken several different types of sleeping pill, as well as natural remedies like Valerian Root over the years. But I’ve figured out that sometimes if I do a guided meditation on an app I have on my iPad, I can get to sleep without the aid of chemicals or planticals.

So there I was, meditating my way into sleep a bit ago using a new guided meditation app, and I was pretty relaxed and starting to let go of my day, when the meditation guide-lady said “acrosst.” Yes, with a “t” at the end. And then it was all over for me.

ME: Why did she say “acrosst?” There’s no “t” in across. Maybe I misheard it. Should I try to rewind and see? No, the light from my iPad will just wake me up again. Is “rewind” the right word? There’s no tape involved. “Backtrack,” maybe? “Reverse?” No, that’s not right. What do the Millenials call it? I don’t know. But where did that “t” in “across” thing even come from? How did it work its way into people’s pronunciation? Why do I care? Shut up, Emily. You’re supposed to be breathing.

MEDITATION LADY: Your body is heavy.

ME: Did she just call me “fat?” WTF?

MEDITATION LADY: Your mind is still.

ME: Yeah, still trying to figure out why you, who have no discernible accent, would say “acrosst.”

MEDITATION LADY: Imagine your body melting with each exhalation of breath.

ME: Like that guy in the first X-men movie (was it the first one, or a later one? I get them all confused.) that Magnito turns into a jellyfish. I love that guy – the actor who plays Magnito. Is he the one who’s friends with Patrick Stewart, or is he the one who plays Dumbledore? Or are they the same guy? I always get them confused. Hey, just like the X-men movies! Well, whoever he is, I love him. I don’t like the actor who turns into a jellyfish. I can’t remember his name either. If Dumbledore and Magnito got in a fight, who do you think would win? I have an itch on my ear. I’ve already relaxed my arm. Will I be undoing all that meditation if I reach up and scratch my ear? Wait, am I technically meditating right now? I mean, really, let’s be honest. I’m failing at this. Just like I fail at everything.

MEDITATION LADY: Relax the tension in your jaw.

ME: There is tension in my jaw!! How did she do that?! She knows I was clenching my jaw just now but she doesn’t know how to pronounce “across?” The world just doesn’t make sense sometimes. I should really give up on meditating tonight and take a sleeping pill. And maybe write this down before the pill kicks in.

And now, dear reader, here we are. Sweet dreams.

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I Have Jenny Lawson Brain – It’s a Thing, I Swear

08 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by emilypageart in humor

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

crazy thoughts, Furiously Happy, insomnia, Jenny Lawson, koala, The Bloggess

I got no sleep last night. It’s Jenny Lawson‘s fault. I started reading her new book, Furiously Happy, yesterday, and now Jenny Lawson is in my head. I don’t mean she’s literally in my head. She’s not that small (not that I’m calling her fat, no she’s just the right size for her, but she’s not tiny enough to be inside my head literally). Nor do I mean that she, like, bored a hole into my skull and started poking her just-the-right-size fingers around in there. I mean that her voice is in my head. Which doesn’t make me sound very good. I’m not hearing voices or anything. Except hers. But I know it’s hers, so it’s not like I’m crazy or anything. And now I sound defensive. Just. Like. Jenny. Oh my god, what has she done to me?

Anyway, when I read her writing, my brain starts thinking like hers, which is both awesome and worrisome because it’s hilarious but it won’t just shutthefuckup. Which means that I was lying there wide awake with my thoughts swirling and freaking me out and making me laugh. I might have actually laughed out loud at one point, because S rolled over and glared at me for a second. At least I think he was glaring at me. The lights were off so I couldn’t really see if his eyes were open, but he definitely rolled over and if I were him I’d have glared at me. So I glared back, just in case, so he’d know he doesn’t scare me.

And it hasn’t stopped today. Clearly. I think I need help. Or a hug from Jenny. Jenny, come hug me while wearing a koala bear costume. I have a koala bear hat, so we can match. And I promise I’ll shower and I don’t have chlamydia – the human or the koala kind.

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Emily Page

Emily Page

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