I’ve doomed us all. And I’m sorry, people, really I am. I realized that last year, for the first time in many, many years, I did not eat 12 grapes at midnight. And 2016 was, let’s be honest, a shit show. My bad. The last time I lost this many people in one year was my sophmore year in college, and by the end of that streak, I was singing “Another One Bites The Dust” each time someone new died.

Tonight, because I caught the plague, I forgot to pick up grapes. And let’s face it, I’m way to lazy to go get some now. So, again, I’ve doomed us all. My apologies in advance if 2017 sucks. Totally my fault. Next year, I’ll try not to let everyone down.

In the mean time, let me recommend Few bourbon to get you through the coming crisis. The bourbon fairy delivered it by mail yesterday. I’m not even kidding. I’ve never had to present ID proving I was at least 21 to accept a package from FedEx before and I was giddy with excitement. I got bourbon IN THE MAIL. And no, no one is paying me for this (although if any bourbon makers out there want to send me free booze to review, I’m totally in). Sadly, FEW doesn’t know I exist. A friend sent it to me for Christmas and it’s just reallllllllly good. Smooth and tasty and perfect with just ice and a splash of water (if you’re like me and not hard core enough to drink it neat). So if 2017 sucks as bad as I’m afraid it will due to my lack of grape eating, pick up a case of this tasty bourbon and forget your troubles.

Okay, that’s it. Happy New Year, everyone. And again, my apologies if 2017 is craptastic. Maybe send me some grapes next year so I don’t fail you again.