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The Perks of Being an Artist

Tag Archives: slugs

My Husband is a Murderer

04 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by emilypageart in blog, humor

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husband, llamacorn, murderer, slugs, tv, wrangler

Here is lie #2 about my husband: My husband is a murderer. Remember how I said that we had tons of slugs in our apartment complex? Well, my husband had heard that if you sprinkle them with salt, it makes them go away. He figured they hated it and it would make them run (and by run, I mean ooze) as far away as they could. So he sprinkled salt on one and it shriveled up a died and looked like a dried, black booger. Or a little cat turd, maybe. Delightful, no? He didn’t realize it would die, so then he felt really, really bad about it and got super guilty. Instead of comforting him that he hadn’t intended to cut the slug down in the prime of its life, I chose to tell him he was cruel and evil.

Okay, so this story is actually true, but I’m the slug slayer and my husband is the non-soother. They should really make that the next hit TV show. Instead of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it’ll be Emily the Slug Slayer. It might not be as fast paced, but that’s okay. They could bring in slug wranglers to get the slugs to act in the scenes. Hey, maybe the hubs would be better at slug wrangling than he was at llamacorn wrangling! I bet they’d pay him a lot of money for it. Unless they decided that the money was better spent on creating CGI slugs. They’d probably have to put a disclaimer at the end of each show saying that no slugs were harmed in the making.

Also, I think I have slug on the brain because under the Advanced Settings tab on wordpress, there’s a box called SLUG. What the hell is that for??! Is it supposed to signify that this post will be so kickass that it’ll slug you upside the head? Is it a way to let all of my slug readers know that this post will be about them? Will someone please enlighten as to the point of the SLUG box?

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Slippery Little Buggers

29 Saturday Nov 2014

Posted by emilypageart in art, blog, humor

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Tags

bananas, dolls that pee, slugs, Thanksgiving hangover

I have a mushy brain today. Too much food and booze at Thanksgiving is making me sluggish. This means I should be able to make friends with the massive numbers of slugs that hang out at my apartment complex. They’re EVERYWHERE. And they’re slippery. I strongly suspect they’re trying to kill me. I might as well just throw banana peels all over the stairs (I have a friend who desperately wants me to include green bananas in my blog, but I’m just putting bananas because I think the ripe ones are actually slipperier than the green ones). At least it would smell good. But it might make me hungry all the time, so maybe not. It’s like those trickling table top waterfalls. Love ‘em, but they make me need to pee, and I pretty much need to pee all the time already. I swear, I have the bladder of a 2 year old – I grew, but it didn’t. And if I drink a beer? Forget about it. I’m like one of those Potty Polly dolls. You might as well just sit me on the toilet and feed me the beer so it can pass right through and into the bowl. Really, it’s sad. Road trips with me are a nightmare. By the way, you really shouldn’t Google images for “dolls that pee.” That’s some messed up shit, y’all. Here are 2 of the less scary examples of what pops up:

Dolls who pee 1 Dolls who pee 2

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Emily Page

Emily Page

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