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The Perks of Being an Artist

Tag Archives: work

Would You Hire Me With This Cover Letter?

21 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by emilypageart in humor, Uncategorized

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

applying for a job, cover letter, how to write a cover letter, networking, real life sucks, what not to write in a cover letter, work, work cover letter

So, um yeah. As I talked about in my last post, we’re unexpectedly closing our paint and sip studio in August, and hopefully opening a tattoo studio, which means we’re about to be very, very broke for awhile. As such, I thought I should polish up my resume and cover letter in the event that I have to break down and get a…what’s that word again? Oh yes, “job.” Working for someone else. <insert sobbing, moaning, wailing, and gnashing of my pearly whites which really need to be whitened before a job interview> I don’t wanna. We all know that there’s a standard form cover letters should take, and I’ve written and read hundreds of them. My favorite applicant when I worked at a law firm was a girl who wrote, “My friends all tell me that I have great “ADT” (Attention To Detail).” Apparently, she had a great security system, too?

If I submitted the following cover letter, would you hire me?

Dear Person Who Holds My Fate In Their Hands,

You should hire me. I’m all, like, smart and stuff. As the man in the oval office says, “I know words. I have the best words. I have the best. But there is no better word than stupid.” While I do have the best words like our Cheeto in Chief, I disagree that the best word is “stupid.” The best word, obviously, is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” Break that bad boy out at a party and everyone will be asking what you want for breakfast – you know, after you’ve spent the night…because they’ll all be extremely attracted to you…like you should be attracted to me right now – only not in the I-want-to-sex-you-up kind of way, but in the I-want-to-offer-you-a-ridiculously-high-paying-job-for-little-to-no-work kind of way. I have a husband. Just to be clear. And even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t sleep with my boss. So knock that thought right out of your head, bub. Or lady. Either one.

You should hire me not just because I know the best words, but because I view tedious tasks to be like meditation. My mantra? Collate, collate, coooooollaaaaate. Okay, so I don’t actually know what collating is, and my understanding is that most printers will just do it for you if you click the right button, but you get the idea. I figure I can get the printer to do the work and spend the afternoon putzing around marketing on Facebook on my phone. You can tell I’m not a millenial because I said “Facebook” and not “Snapchat,” but I’m still very social media savvy. I swear. I even have a Twitter account for my vagina. It twats regularly.

Also, I’m a blast at holiday office parties. I bring bourbon. Which is my other mantra. Bourbon, bourbon, boooouuuurboooonnn. Not that I would drink bourbon on the job – unless I got tired of collating, I guess. No, I stick to only vodka while at work so that, if I spill it, it doesn’t stain any paperwork I’m doodling on. I’m an artist. Artists are totally known for being dependable and grounded and responsible. Every document I prepare for you will be nicely decorated, giving it that certain je ne sais quoi. As you can seen, I’m practically fluent in French. I know all the best French words, like stupide.

I have a horrific phobia of talking on the phone, so if you’re like my last boss and would prefer to spend all day “networking” with all the “single” ladies in town instead of taking calls, I’m your girl. I will actively avoid talking on the phone at all times and let every call go straight through to voicemail. You can blame it on me and I can blame it on you. You’ll never have to speak to another client again, and neither will I! That’s what we call a “win-win” in the biz.

Anyway, you should totes hire me to, like, do all the work-type things. Shoot me a text with your offer!

Okaysies,

Emily

Audrey silly 6_compressed

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F*ck Our New/About To Be Old Landlord

20 Thursday Jul 2017

Posted by emilypageart in sip and paint studio, Uncategorized

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

commercial lease negotiation, commercial real estate, landlords, sip and paint studio, tattoo, work

Remember how I said that I was going through a work crisis? Well, here’s the skinny: The shopping center where my sip and paint studio lives was sold. The new owners are, well, assholes. Our lease is up at the end of August, so in May, we asked the new landlords if we could resign for another year. After a few weeks, they came back to us and said that yes, we could, but they wanted to double our rent. DOUBLE our rent. We counter-offered, and then checked in regularly with the property management company, who kept saying they were still waiting on a reply from the owner. We explained that we needed an answer, even if it was “no,” so that we could start the closing process if necessary, or, if we were going to be able to stay open, order more business cards, renew our insurance, book more parties with customers, etc.

Then the owners of the restaurant next door came over and told us that the landlord had offered our space to them. So we told the property management company that, since we hadn’t heard anything and they had offered our space to the restaurant, that we would be closing when our lease was up.

We received a panicked email from a NEW property management company saying they were sorry that we’d received such poor communication through the prior property management company and asking if we could talk. So we talked and we gave them another week to give us an answer. The week came and went and still no answer. So we announced that we  were closing. A couple days later, the property management company contacted us and said they were still waiting on a response from the owner. Too late.

So, long story long (let’s be honest, that wasn’t long story short), we are closing our paint and sip’s brick and mortar location and going mobile. This is NOT what we had planned. We are in the process of opening a tattoo studio, and there’s just no way that we can open that and relocate the sip and paint studio and start over. The paint and sip studio was going to fund the tattoo studio for the first year and provide some cushion until the tattoo studio was profitable. Now, that’s not going to happen. We can make a little money doing offsite events, but it won’t be anything like what our brick and mortar store brought in. So I’m about to be very broke, very fast. Even worse, I had planned on getting trained to do medical tattooing/permanent makeup, with the goal of being able to help cancer patients who were dealing with eyebrows that didn’t grow back post-chemotherapy and breasts post-reconstruction that didn’t have areolas. But the training is expensive, and I’m not sure how I’m going to fund it now.

So everything is changing and I’m not entirely sure how to proceed – all because some Greedy McFuckfaces don’t care that they’re closing down a small business. So cross your fingers and elbows and toes and knees and eyes that we figure out a viable way forward that doesn’t involve me selling my blood or my soul. Le sigh.

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Emily Page

Emily Page

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